Coping Mechanisms
by marble eyes
Summary: When somebody dies everyone has a different way of dealing with it. Four years after Brendan's death Ste discovers that the past never dies, it just gets more confusing. Now AU.
1. Ste

Ste Hay knew he was being watched. It wasn't a new feeling to him and he'd felt that way ever since his partner Brendan Brady had been murdered over four years ago. He gave a little shudder pulling his jacket closer around himself. You would think by now he would be used to eyes watching him, but he still found it unnerving that he had never seen who they belonged to.

When Ste first felt the eyes on him he was sure that it was Walker. The man had disappeared into the night after he had supposedly murdered both Brendan and his father. Ste wasn't sure if the man's insane obsession with Brendan went further than the grave, but if he was a betting man he would have bet it did.

'You alright Ste?'

Ste turned around, releasing he had been staring into the Deli's dark windows unmoving for the last five minutes. He smiled as he noticed Doug standing behind him and let out a long sigh. 'Yeah sorry, I was miles away.'

Doug tried his best to look unconcerned. The two had managed to repair their friendship ever since Brendan had died, but that still didn't stop Doug for caring for his ex-husband more than a friend should. 'Were you thinking about Brendan?'

The question hung in the air for a moment before Ste answered. 'When don't I? I can't even get rid of him when he's dead.' Ste laughed loudly at his own joke, but noticed Doug wasn't joining in.

Doug chewed his lip for a moment, for a long time everyone had treaded carefully around Ste. During the first year after Brendan's death he had drank himself into oblivion most nights and had pretty much smashed everything in his path. It was when Ste had finally ended up in a jail cell for the night that himself and Amy had finally intervened. He cringed remembering the heated argument in which Ste had shouted at them both, it had finally ended when Amy had lost her temped and told Ste he was turning into Brendan. Ste hadn't said anything after that, he had merely stormed out of his own flat and slammed the door. The next day he turned up to the deli on time and cleanly shaved for the first time in three months.

Ste's second year after Brendan's death had followed a more different pattern. Amy had finally allowed him to have the kids back for long periods of time, so most the time he was distracted by them. It was when the kids weren't around that Ste brought men home that he rarely knew. Doug often worried for his safety and it had finally come to an end when Ste woke up in bed alone with no recollection how he got there. Apparently his only memory of that night was a man following him now into an alley way and him being hit over the head. The man in question was later found badly assaulted in the same alley way, Ste had tried to joke that his superpowers had saved him.

The third year followed a much better pattern. Ste had started to date again properly and it finally seemed that he was happy. Doug shuddered, remembering how wrong everyone had been. After a particularly bad break up Doug had found Ste crying in front of his television clutching a bottle of pills. He would never forget his shock as he glanced at the television and found an extremely angry Brendan Brady glaring at him through the glass. Ste through drunken sobs had admitted to stealing most of the CCTV videos from Chez Chez before it closed down. There were two things that still bothered him about that night; one was the text message he'd received from an unknown number asking him to come over and signed from Ste. The other was that every bottle of tablets in Ste's cupboards seemed to contain tic-tacs instead of medication.

This year had been a good year for Ste, if you didn't count him disappearing to Dublin for three weeks and wrecking the empty shell of the building that was once Chez Chez. Ste had gotten engaged to a man called Broody, who nobody had liked but Amy. That relationship had ended when Ste had got a phone call asking him to return home because his neighbour smelled gas. Ste had gone home to find Broody in bed with another man and no gas leak. Doug tried not to smile remembering how Ste had flung all of Broody's clothes out of the flat's window and into the mud. Even funnier was how Ste had asked Broody back to the flat one last time, stripped the man naked and thrown him out into the cold. He would never forget the look on Broody's face as he ran naked through the village. Ste joked that Broody may have cheated on him but Ste was the one who got everything, including the shirt of Broody's back.

Sometimes Doug wondered how different everything would be if Brendan was still around. Would Ste be happy? Would the two of them still be together? Doug wasn't sure, but then he never was when it came to understanding Brendan Brady. It seemed Ste and Brendan would always be tied together in some shape/form, even after death. Doug let out a long sigh, realising that he hadn't answered Ste.

'Do you think that maybe it's time.' he paused for a second. 'That you perhaps considered counselling?'

Ste's expression twisted with anger. 'What are you trying to say? Do you think I'm crazy?'

'No,' said Doug quickly. 'It's just I hate seeing you struggle after all this time.'

'I'm doing just fine.' said Ste angrily. 'Don't you think it's time you kept your nose out of my business?'

'Ste.' said Doug softly.

'Just go home Doug, go home to your McQueen. I don't want or need you here.'

Doug hesitated for a minute before turning to go. 'Alright, you know where I am if you need me.'

'Trust me,' said Ste, his eyes now back on the window. 'I won't be needing you.'

Ste let out a long sigh as he heard Doug walk away, his gaze caught the Chez Chez platform where Brendan would often stand reflected in the window. He let out a gasp as he noticed a figure standing there and turned around quickly but found nobody there. It was in his imagination again.

When he had first lost Brendan Ste used to see him all the time when he was drunk. It was the main reason he got drunk, so he could see Brendan again. There was nights when Ste was so drunk that he wasn't even sure how he'd got home. No matter what he did or how far he tried to self destruct he always woke up safely tucked in bed. In his drunken memories Brendan was always there, it was Brendan who carried him home and kissed him on the head before leaving again. A part of Ste felt as if he was going mad, how could a dead man take you home and put you to bed? The most confusing night was when he had trashed a telephone box with his bare fists, he had woke up the next day to find his hands neatly bandaged and his blood stained clothes wet in the washing machine. Ste was beginning to think he had a guardian angel, or that maybe Brendan had hired someone to watch over him. But a part of him knew that it was silly.

Other weird things had happened too. One Christmas when Ste's credit card had been rejected in Argos as he tried to buy Leah a doll she'd desperately wanted. Ste had argued with the cashier for about five minutes before leaving the shop and heading to the bank. By the time he got back to Argos the doll he had queued for nearly three hours for the first time around was sold out. It still baffled Ste even to this day how the same doll had ended up under the Christmas tree neatly wrapped with all the others, he certainly hadn't put it there.

Ste tried to think of other strange things that occurred, the tic-tac instead of pills incident he would rather not think about. He had spent ages with the kids trying to figure out if they had a stock pile of painkillers hidden somewhere, the whole thing had terrified him. That was when he realised he had to start letting go, even if he didn't want to.

The first thing he did was get a flight to Dublin. He would never forget the look on Eileen's face as he turned up at her door, she had tried to slam it in his face but he had stuck his foot in it and forced his way in. She had screamed at Ste for nearly ten minutes, before she'd stopped in shock when she realised Ste was stood there crying. After that she had sat him down on the sofa and poured him a large glass of scotch. It was then that he had made his request: he wanted Brendan's ashes. It had taken nearly a week to get her to agree and he'd begged for the boys to be there when he scattered them, but on that subject she wouldn't be moved. He'd never forget their parting, she had stood in front of the door and stopped him from leaving.

'He's not worth your tears.' she'd said bitterly. 'Brendan Brady only ever loved himself. Even his own sister didn't want his ashes, doesn't that show you what kind of a man he really was?'

Ste had paused for a moment, trying to control his temper. 'He was a good man and I loved him.'

Eileen looked at him as if he was crazy. 'If he was such a good man, then why is he dead?'

Ste closed his eyes, trying to block out the horrible memories of that night. Cheryl screaming, Seamus's blood on the floor, Walker grappling with Brendan for the gun. It was all a blur as Ste was slipping in and out of consciousness due to the drugs Walker had overdosed him on. A part of him remembered a different version of events that Cheryl had told him, he remembered Brendan weeping and asking for forgiveness as he told both Ste and Cheryl about the abuse he had suffered as a child while Walker held a gun to his head. He remembered how Cheryl's face had twisted to an ugly expression as she smashed a bottle of wine over her father's head. He remembered Brendan kissing him and whispering 'sorry' as he finally drifted out of consciousness. None of his memories and the real version of events ever seemed to add up. His only clear memory was waking up in a hospital bed with Amy sitting next to his bed, he had knew just by looking at her face that Brendan was dead. He had wanted to see the body, but he never was discharged from the hospital in time.

Brendan's funeral had been a blur to Ste, he remembered being dressed in black and Amy gripping his hand the whole way through. Leah had kept her chin up through the whole funeral and not shed a tear. It was only towards the end that she slipped her hand into Ste's and said:

'Don't worry Daddy. Daddy Brendan is way too big to fit in such a small box. Besides I saw him the other day, he came and said goodbye to me and Lucas.'

'Leah.' said Amy gently. 'I told you the other day, Daddy Brendan-' her mouth twisted with the final two words. 'Is up in the stars and isn't coming back.'

Leah scowled darkly at her mother. 'Daddy Brendan would never go up into the stars and leave Daddy. When I asked him about why he wasn't in heaven, he told me he wasn't good enough to go there and he would find it very boring. He told me he would have a much better time in hell, they'd be whisky there.'

For the first time in days Ste just laughed. Everyone turned around and glared at him, but he continued to laugh until he was nearly the only one left in the church. When he was on his own again his laughter turned to tears. A strong hand had taken a hold of his shoulder and Ste turned round to notice the priest who had conducted Brendan's service.

'He was a good man.' the priest said simply.

'No he wasn't.' said Ste simply. 'He was a horrible man who pretty much hated everyone.'

'Do you really believe that Ste?' asked the priest gently.

Ste frowned for a second. 'Well that's what everyone here really thought today, they all thought that Brendan got what he deserved,' he paused for a second. 'How do you know my name?'

The priest smiled at him in a knowing way. 'Some time ago a broken man came to stay with me. He desperately wanted to change but didn't think he could, he was also torn because the man he was in love with was marrying another. Do you think you might have known this man Ste?'

'It was Brendan,' said Ste softly.

The priest smiled at him in a knowing way. 'Now I don't know how that story ended, would you like to tell me the rest?'

Ste closed his eyes for a second. 'Brendan managed to change and win back the man he loved.'

Father Des smiled at him. 'Well maybe he did manage to be the good man he wanted to be after all. I think I'll focus on that part of the story, I don't like to think what happened after or how he died. Perhaps in my mind I can pretend he's still out there and got his happy ending after all.'

Ste closed his eyes. 'This is your way of telling me I should remember the good memories instead of the bad?'

Father Des nodded at him.

Ste stood up and brushed past him. 'The only problem is,' he said angrily 'was we didn't have enough time to make that many good ones. He was gone before we had the chance.'

'I know you don't really believe that Ste.'

'I don't know what I believe any more!' he stormed out of the church and didn't stop walking until he reached his flat. When he was inside he allowed the anger to take control of him and smashed nearly every piece of furniture. It was only after when he lay on the floor amongst the broken furniture and an empty bottle of vodka that he allowed himself to remember the happy memories.

Ste stepped out of his memories and found himself once again standing in front of Eileen, who had asked him a question on why Brendan had died if he was a good person.

'He died because sometimes that's just what happens. He wasn't a saint and it was only a matter of time until some of the horrible stuff he did caught up with him. You didn't know him like I did and you didn't see how much he was trying to change.'

Eileen had stood out of the way then, a scowl still on her face. 'That was the problem, no matter how much Brendan tried it was never enough. He always had to destroy everything he touched.'

Ste clenched the urn tighter in his hands. 'Believe what you want Eileen. I don't care any more, I'm going to go scatter his ashes on the pier and I'd be happy if your boys wanted to come with me.'

'They won't.' said Eileen darkly.

'Well that's there decision isn't it. Unless you want to be just as controlling as Brendan used to be.' he let the sentence hang in the air both moving past her and slamming the door behind him.

Ste closed his eyes and once again found himself in front of the Deli staring into the dark glass. His eyes once again lingered on the reflection of the empty platform where Brendan used to stand and watch him. Part of him wondered if he'd made a mistake not scattering the ashes there instead of Dublin. He shoved that thought to the back of his mind, remembering how perfect the day had been.

He had stood on the pier for a while holding the urn and just talking to Brendan. He'd just talked about all the things that had happened since he'd died and apologised for all the stupid rows that had seemed so important at the time, but now were stupidly insignificant. Just as the sun was setting he had pulled off the lid, but found himself distracted by a tall figure who was watching him from a distance.

Ste knew his mouth had fallen open. 'Brendan?' he had whispered, taking a step forward.

'Ste!'

He had reluctantly turned away from the figure to where he heard his name being shouted. He couldn't help but smile as he noticed Declan and Padraig running up the pier towards him.

'You haven't done it yet have you?' asked Declan breathlessly.

'No,' he said simply. 'But I think it's time.' He glanced back and noticed that the figure who had been watching him was no longer there, perhaps they'd never been there in the first place. It was then that he emptied the contents of the urn into the air and watched as the ashes flew up into the air and out to sea. Brendan was finally free.

He had no idea how long he had sat there for with Brendan's sons, it seemed nobody seemed to need to say a word. They all just sat still as statues watching the sky.

'Your Dad loved you both you know?' he said after a while.

Surprising it was Declan who answered him.

'I know.'

Ste wiped his eyes, now back into the present and stood still staring at the Deli. He turned around and looked at the club, feeling a pang of shame of how he had behaved the last time he was there. After he'd returned from Dublin it had finally sunk in that Brendan was gone and was never coming back. He'd broken into the empty club and sat in the office for a while lost in his thoughts. Half of him still expected Brendan to walk through the door with his eyebrow raised in a suggestive way.

After an hour he had started to smash things, in a hope that he could shut out the memories he had of this room. Half way through his destructive rampage he yanked one of the desk draws open and tipped the contents on the floor. A flash of red paper stopped him in his tracks. He bent down and realised the draw had a false bottom, the pure force of being thrown to the floor had caused it to smash. He picked up the red envelope, his hands began to shake as he saw the name 'Stephen' neatly written on the front. He slid to the floor and clutched the envelope to his chest. He instantly knew what it was: a Valentines day card from that awful day when they'd had that argument. It was an hour before he managed to stop shaking and opened it. He let out a dry laugh as he noticed the humorous joke on the front, he held his breath as he read the inside.

'Dear Stephen.' he whispered, reading it out loud. 'I'm sorry for everything that has gone on in the last few days. I just want you to know that next year will be better and that I love you. Brendan.'

He stared down at the writing, not knowing whether to laugh or cry. Why hadn't Brendan given it to him that day when they'd had that row? Things could have gone so differently. He angrily brushed a few stray tears away with his clenched fist.

'Liar!' Ste said angrily. 'You're just a liar! I'm not going to mourn you any more!' He dropped the card onto the ground and left the club, not looking back once. Two weeks later he had met Broody.

He didn't really look back at his time with Broody with that many fond memories. The man had been boring, but stable. Perhaps the only interesting thing he'd ever done was cheated on Ste. Their engagement had come from Ste's need to be with someone who wasn't at all like Brendan. Broody was a bank manager and didn't wear his suits like a man should. He was always fiddling with his glasses and religiously checking what time it was on his gold watch. Ste fooled himself that he could have a future with this man, a stable one with no complications.

When he'd gotten that mysterious phone call and found Broody in bed with another man, a part of him had been relieved. He had ignored this signs that this man wasn't right for him. He'd even ignored it when Leah had refused to be his bridesmaid. She had angrily stamped her foot on the floor and had insisted Daddy Brendan would be back to marry him one day, he had promised her when she'd last seen him. Ste didn't allow himself to feel unnerved that both himself and his daughter were haunted by Brendan. He wondered if Cheryl was the same. He hadn't heard from her in years, every time he tried to call her Nate would make some poor excuse on why she couldn't come to the phone. In the beginning Ste had thought maybe it was too difficult for Cheryl to talk to someone that reminded her of Brendan. In his heart though, a part of him knew she saw him as a living reminder of the night she'd killed her own father. Ste had never told anyone that he had remembered more of that night than he'd ever revealed. Brendan had gone to the grave protecting Cheryl's secret and Ste had decided long ago that he would too.

A loud noise caused startled Ste, his eyes immediately glanced up to Brendan's platform and yet again it was empty.

'I know you're here!' said Ste angrily. 'I know you've been watching me for the last few years. If you want to kill me Walker, it's too late. You already killed me that night you murdered Brendan. Come out you coward!'

The night was silent and Ste glanced around quickly for any sign of movement. He let out a long sigh and finally decided it was time to walk home. Ste glanced up once more at the empty platform before walking slowly away towards the direction of his flat. If he'd just taken a minute more to wait or even glanced back one last time, he would have seen a tall figure in the darkness watching him from the steps of Chez Chez.


	2. Leah

**A big thank you to: all the guests who reviewed, somethingawful, Brady4560, hughsie, greeninjaa, PatriciaJessic, hollie-x, KatieYMAS, The Mind Of The Dragon and GirlWednesday. I was blown away by the reviews, as I didn't really expect to get any. So a massive thanks to everyone :) it made my day! Here is the next chapter, in then end I prodded it so much I'm surprised it isn't bleeding. I think there will be 3 or 4 more maybe. To be honest I don't even think I know what's going on at the minute in this story. **

Leah Hay was a number of things, but stupid wasn't one of them. She worked her way through the school playground, her heart drumming with excitement. Daddy Brendan had said he would come and see them today. She dismissed her best friend Chloe Baker with a wave and weaved her way through to where her mum's friend Melisa was waiting to walk them home through the park.

Each time Daddy Brendan visited it was special. It was supposed to be their little secret, but Leah was never good at telling lies. She remembered the first time he visited her, she had caught him watching her and Lucas through a shop window. While her mother was distracted she had slipped out of the door and ran after him. No matter how loud she shouted, he didn't turn around or stop. It was only when she tripped over and began to cry that he turned back to help:

Leah looked up through her tears as Brendan knelt down beside her.

He let out a long sigh. 'What have you done to yourself?' he said looking at her knee which was grazed and bleeding.

'Mummy told me you were dead.' said Leah boldly through her tears, ignoring his question. 'She said that you were up in the stars with the angels.'

Brendan's lips twitched for a second. 'Well heaven kicked me out. I didn't suit the white dress and harp. I'm sure they'll always be a place for me in hell though, I heard they have good whisky down there.'

Leah frowned at him. 'Heaven is stupid if it kicked you out Daddy Brendan, you could have sang to the angels. Mummy's brought me a black dress for your funeral, are you going?'

'I don't think anyone would appreciate me turning up to my own funeral. People get a bit funny about things like that.' Brendan looked as though the thought amused him though.

'Daddy would want you there.' said Leah, she fixed him with a piercing look. 'Daddy's very ill at the moment, Mummy said we're not allowed to stay with him for a while.'

A mixture of emotions passed across Brendan's face. 'Listen Leah, I'm really sorry your Daddy is ill and I wish I could make him better, but you can't tell anyone you saw me today. No one is meant to see me. I only wanted to catch a glimpse of you and your brother, so I could say goodbye in my own way.'

Leah frowned again. 'Why? Why can't everything go back to how it was? Why do you have to say goodbye?'

'Because the dead are meant to stay dead.' said Brendan, sounding a bit more harsh than he was meant to.

Leah's scowl deepened. 'I won't tell anyone I saw you, but you have to make me a promise.'

Brendan tried to hide his expression of annoyance that the child was once again blackmailing him. 'What do you want Leah?'

'I want you to visit me.'

'I can't do that Leah.' he said simply, his expression cold.

'Why not?'

'I just can't, okay?' he shouted.

Leah gave him a resilient expression. 'You're worse than Daddy Doug!' she shouted, before standing up and running away from him. Leah thought that would be the last she saw of him on that day, he was just the same as all the other 'Daddies' that her mum and dad introduced her to. Leah was used to these men coming into her life and leaving a few months later, why should Daddy Brendan be any different?

Leah didn't mention Daddy Brendan again until the funeral and then nobody would believe that she had seen him. After that she often saw Daddy Brendan, but he never seemed to want to talk to her again. Sometimes when she went to stay with her Daddy she could see Daddy Brendan late at night just staring at their house when she glanced out through the gap in the curtains. It didn't scare Leah, it made her feel special that her Daddy had his own guardian angel. She decided to bring the matter up with her Mum one day:

'Mummy.' she said, as her Mum sat reading a magazine.

'What is it Leah?'

'Why doesn't Daddy Brendan ever let Daddy see him?'

Amy frowned and put down her magazine. 'We've been through this before Leah. Daddy Brendan is up in the sky now.'

'No he isn't.' said Leah, 'I see him all the time.'

'No darling.' said her mum gently. 'You just think you do.'

'I'm not pretending anything.' said Leah. 'He's not dead.' she angrily aimed a kick at the table, before running upstairs to her room. She threw herself onto her bed, frustrated that nobody would believe her. She awoke later on to raised voices coming from downstairs, she was shocked to realise one of the voices was her Daddy. She sneaked out of her room and sat at the top of the stairs.

'What do you expect me to say to her Amy?' said Ste angrily. 'We all have different ways of dealing with things.'

'That's just it, you're not dealing with it and Leah must have picked up on it.'

'I hardly see Leah.' said Ste, somewhat bitterly.

'Well who's fault is that?' Amy shot back.

'Don't you dare suggest any of this is my fault.' Ste said angrily. 'I never asked for any of this! Do you think I want Brendan to be dead? I miss him every day and the kids, but you wouldn't understand that because I think a part of you is happy he's gone.'

'What if I am? Is it so bad that I think it's better for us all if he's out our lives for good?' Amy sounded desperate now.

There was a cold silence for a minute.

'I'll talk to Leah.' said Ste flatly. 'I'll make her understand that it's time we all move on.'

'And what if that doesn't work?' asked Amy.

'Then maybe she's that kid from the _Sixth Sense_.' joked Ste somewhat flatly.

Leah tiptoed away from the stairs not wanting to hear any more of their argument. She crept to her window and pulled back the curtains instead. Sure enough Daddy Brendan was standing in the street unmoving, looking up at the house. Leah placed her hand on the window and in return he gave her a ghost of a wave.

'Leah!' shouted Chloe, finally catching up to her in the playground. 'I thought you were going to come round my house so we could make cakes.'

'I already told you that I can't today. I'm seeing Daddy Brendan.' said Leah, trying her best not to sound annoyed.

Chloe scowled at her best friend. 'Your Mummy says that Daddy Brendan doesn't exist.'

'Well my Mummy is stupid.' said Leah defiantly. She had made it no secret over the last few years that she wanted to live with her Dad instead.

'You shouldn't say that.' said Chloe, looking amazed yet again at how bold her friend was.

'Why not? It's true.' said Leah, she kicked a stray rock in annoyance. She didn't have time for this, Daddy Brendan would be there soon.

'You just just don't like her at the minute because she says your imaginary friend doesn't exist.' said Chloe.

Leah cringed remembering how much trouble seeing Daddy Brendan had eventually got her into. Her Mum had finally gotten tired of all her talk about Daddy Brendan and sent her to a special doctor. The special doctor was apparently going to make her all better. Leah remembered adamantly arguing at the time she didn't need a doctor, she was perfectly okay but her Mum refused to listen. Leah remembered how the doctor had made her stand in front of a dolls house:

'Now Leah.' said the lady doctor, 'I want you to pick toys from over there and put them in the house. I want each doll to be a member of your family.'

Leah nodded and started to collect dolls from out the box. She popped them into the house in different places and then stood back to admire her work.

'Brilliant.' said the doctor. 'Now could you explain who each of the dolls are and why you put them where you did.'

Leah pointed to a blonde Barbie. 'That's Mummy because she's blonde and I put her next to the phone because she's always talking on it.'

The doctor nodded her head, waiting for Leah to continue.

'The two bears are me and Lucas and we're sitting in the living room watching our favourite TV program.'

The doctor nodded again, but then frowned peering into the bedroom. Leah had hidden a hairy teddy bear under the bed, whilst a male doll lay asleep in the bed itself. 'Now who's in the bedroom Leah?' she asked.

'That's Daddy and Daddy Brendan. Daddy Brendan is hiding under the bed so Daddy won't know he's there.' Leah glanced at the doctor, waiting for her reaction.

The doctor was writing something on a piece of paper. 'Now Leah, I would like you to take the dolls out and then put them back in again. But this time I want you not to include the Daddy Brendan bear.'

Leah frowned. 'Why?'

The doctor didn't get a chance to answer as the door slammed open. Ste stormed straight in and gently picked Leah up like she weighed nothing.

'I'll be taking my daughter back.' he said angrily. 'What kind of doctor are you if you try and make my little girl think she isn't normal.'

'Mr Hay-' started the doctor.

'I don't want to hear it.' said Ste angrily, 'people like you make me sick.' he turned round and started to leave the room. He didn't see Leah's smirking face as she made the hairy bear she had clenched in her hands wave goodbye to the doctor as she disappeared out the room.

Leah hadn't felt so smug later though, when he parents had yet another row about her. She had slipped out down the stairs and out the door before either of them had noticed. She found herself wandering to the park that she often walked through on her way back from school.

'Leah! What are you doing?'

Leah glanced up from where she was sitting and noticed her Daddy Brendan standing over her. 'I'm running away.' she said simply.

He looked at her, as if he was trying not to smile. 'Don't you think that'll make your Mum and Dad very upset?'

'I thought if I wasn't there, then maybe they wouldn't have anything to argue about any more.'

Brendan sat down on the bench next to her, his expression serious. 'Why are they arguing Leah?'

'Because I keep telling them that you're not dead' she looked down at the ground, waiting to be told off.

'I told you not to say anything Leah.' said Brendan, trying to hide the anger in his voice. 'Do you want people to think you're crazy?'

'I just want you and Daddy back together.' she stared hard at the ground, trying to disguise the fact that she was nearly crying.

He patted her awkwardly on the shoulder. 'That can never happen Leah, I'm dead to the world. I need for you to pretend that I'm dead to you too.'

'Well I don't want to,' said Leah, a determined expression on her face,

'How about I make you a deal?' said Brendan. 'I'll come and visit you every so often if you promise to stop telling everyone about me.'

Leah shot him a searching glance. 'What about Daddy?'

'What about him?' asked Brendan, his unreadable.

'I want you to promise me that one day you'll marry Daddy.'

Brendan let out a long sigh. 'As much as I'd like to, I can't promise you that Leah.' He stood up and refused to look at her. 'I think it's time we got you home, before your Mum misses you.'

Leah opened her mouth to argue, but realised she had already lost. The two walked back to the house in silence and Leah managed to slip back in unnoticed. She thought that would be the last she'd see of Daddy Brendan, but two months later a strange looking man had appeared in the park.

'He isn't imaginary!' shouted Leah angrily, suddenly remembering where she was and what Chloe had said.

'Yes he is.' said Chloe. 'I heard your Mum say to my Mum that your Daddy Brendan was just some stupid bully that your Dad went out with for a bit.'

Leah could feel herself getting angry 'Take that back!' she clenched her fists tightly, ready to hit Chloe like she'd seen on television.

'Leah!' said Melisa, 'What on earth is taking you so long?' She glanced at the two girls and let out a long sigh. 'Are you two fighting? Stop it right now.'

'She started it!' said Leah angrily.

'I don't care who started it, I want it finished.' said Melisa sternly.

'Well I don't,' said Leah, 'I think she's just horrible!'

'At least I don't make up imaginary dead friends.' said Chloe cruelly.

'Enough! I will be talking to your mother about this Chloe.' said Melisa, she grabbed Leah's arm and gently pulled her away from the other girl.

Leah felt herself shaking with rage. 'I could have fought her. I beat Lucas at wrestling all the time.'

Melisa let out a long sigh, 'that's because Lucas is your brother.'

Leah pointed her chin in the air and started her usual walk home. When they reached the park gates she started to run and threw herself down onto a bench next to a man.

Melisa closed her eyes in frustration. It was the same most days, Leah seemed to be obsessed with a homeless man who wandered around the park muttering strange things to himself. Leah always ended up sitting next to the man, no matter how many times she'd been warned about it. After two years Melisa had given up trying to keep the girl away from him and instead just kept a firm eye on the two of them.

Sometimes she'd even wandered over and listened in on their conversation. The old man was harmless, but just babbled incoherent things whilst Leah babbled away to him like he was a long lost friend.

Leah looked over Melisa to check she was on the other side of the park before she started talking. 'I've missed you Daddy Brendan!' she said quickly. 'I nearly got into a fight today.'

'Did you now?' said Brendan, his eyes flashing with amusement.

'Chloe said you were a dead bully, so I tried to punch her.' she looked at him, waiting for his reaction.

'You don't want to go around doing that.' he said simply.

'Why?' asked Leah. 'Daddy smashes things when he's angry.'

'But not people.' said the man firmly.

'How do you know?' Leah's tone was accusing.

'I just do, okay?'

Leah frowned at him. 'Daddy's getting married you know? He wanted me to be bridesmaid, but I said no.'

'Why did you go and do that for? Don't you want to wear a pretty dress?' he asked fondly.

Leah looked at him as if he was stupid. 'I don't like Broody. He's dumb. I want Daddy to marry you.'

'That can't happen.' said Brendan simply.

'Why not?' asked Leah, her face mirror an expression that was often seen on Ste's face.

'I've told you before, I have to stay away from your Daddy.' Brendan looked pained.

'Daddy's sad all the time since you went away. He never laughs like he used to.' Leah looked sad for a second. 'He'd be happy if you came back.'

'I've got to go.' said Brendan, standing up quickly.

'You haven't spoken to Lucas yet!' said Leah angrily.

'Next time, I promise.'

He walked away and left Leah on the bench on her own. Melisa looked over at the old man who was now counting the cans in his rusty trolley. She sighed and sat herself next to Leah, who looked as if she was trying not to cry.

'Sometimes.' said Melisa gently, 'When we loose someone we love, we do things that help us to cope. Like imaging that they're still with us. But there comes a time when you have to let go.'

Leah fixed her with an even stare. 'Why doesn't anyone believe me? That man is Daddy Brendan.'

'No Leah.' said Melisa calmly. 'He's a poor old homeless man called Oscar. Even your mum came up here to check the first time you started talking to him. She said he definitely wasn't your Daddy Brendan.'

'Well he swaps with the other man.' said Leah defiantly. 'Daddy Brendan hasn't got time to hang around in a park all day, he has to go and watch over my Daddy. He just likes to visit me from time to time. Oscar always tells me when he's coming.'

'Leah.' sighed Melisa, feeling utterly hopeless. Nobody could talk sense into the girl, not even her own father. She blatantly refused to admit that the homeless man who lived in the park was anybody other than her Daddy Brendan.

'I don't care if you don't believe me,' said Leah angrily. 'Daddy Brendan is alive.'

Melisa didn't dare to argue with the girl and upset her further. But a part of her knew that the day was coming where Amy wouldn't be able to ignore this problem any longer. Leah Hay would have to see a proper psychiatrist, whether the girl liked it or not. It wasn't normal to think homeless people were your Dad's dead partner.

Leah scowled and looked anywhere but Melisa. She glanced over to where Daddy Brendan had been a minute ago, but now noticed that Oscar had taken his place. Leah didn't like Oscar, he smelled funny and didn't know how to talk to people. She got up and walked away from Melisa, making her way over to Oscar.

'Did Daddy Brendan say when he would visit me next?'

The old man looked at her, his eyes far away and unseeing. 'Thursday' he said simply.

Leah nodded, understanding the message. She didn't care what anybody said, her Daddy Brendan was alive.


	3. Cheryl

**Thank you to all my reviewers of the last chapter. Given the spoilers that have emerged, this fic is now an AU. Warning this chapter contains the bunny of angst, enjoy!**

Cheryl Tenbury Newent sat absently staring into her cold cup of tea. The house was quiet and she was alone, this was never a good sign. Cheryl didn't like being alone, when she was alone it seemed the walls would close in around her and she would hear the vicious whispers of 'murderer' all over the house. She wondered if being a murderer was programmed deep inside of her, a Brady right of passage. Cheryl unconsciously touched her baby bump and sighed deeply. A part of her was hoping the baby wasn't a boy, the men in her family seemed to be cursed.

Cheryl was often thankful that her husband didn't know he was married to a murderer. Everyone seemed to think she had got her happy ending and her Prince Charming. No one realised that Prince Charming had married a monster. She still woke up most nights screaming with the image of her father's lifeless body fresh in her mind. The most heartless thing was that she felt no remorse; she'd do it again if it meant that she could destroy every trace of what that monster did to her brother.

The bottle of wine she'd used as her weapon of choice had sat in their cupboard for months. She had been convinced the police would come for her, she'd spent days staring out the window waiting for them to come. It had taken her nearly three months to unpack all her stuff into Nate's house, convinced she wouldn't be there for that long. They had drunk that bottle of wine on their wedding night and she had found that oddly nothing had ever tasted so sweet. Cheryl had put the empty bottle in the recycling bin and watched the next day as the men took it away, like it had never existed. Like she'd never murdered her own father. She shivered even though the house was warm; it seemed her blood would never be warm again.

A heavy banging on the door interrupted her from her thoughts. She wearily pushed herself up from the table and made her way to the door. Cheryl felt the baby kick again, as if it was telling her to get a move on. She opened the door and let out a gasp at the sight that met her; a shadow of a man in the darkness.

'Brendan?' she whispered.

The figure stepped forward revealing the skinny form of Ste Hay, someone who Cheryl had hoped never to see again. She put her hand to her mouth, trying to disguise the shocked scream she felt rising to her throat.

'Cheryl.' he whispered, as he stepped into the light. It was raining so his black hood was up and his face just visible in the darkness. She found herself almost hypnotised by his cold eyes, the eyes of a man who was now dead inside. This was not the Ste Hay she had known in her other life, this was his shadow.

'Ste.' she whispered, touching her stomach for reassurance. 'You look-' the words died on her lips, she wouldn't lie. His hair was a mess and his skin that was usually golden held a pale tinge to it. He looked as if he hadn't eaten properly in a long time and his clothes hung off him.

'I look terrible, don't I?' he asked, his eyes moved down to her stomach. 'I didn't know you were having a baby.'

Cheryl opened and closed her mouth, transfixed by the rain drops that were slipping from Ste's hair (that was sticking out from his hood) and down onto his face. 'You should come in,' she said quietly.

He stepped through her front door and the two of them just stood there staring at one another. Cheryl began to wonder which of them would be the first to break the silence. The two of them used to be the most talkative people in the world, until Brendan had died.

'I'm sorry to turn up unannounced.' said Ste quickly; the words came out in a jumble. 'I just didn't know who else to talk to.'

Cheryl swallowed hard. 'How did you find me?'

Ste's cheeks flushed with colour for a second, before returning to their sickly shade of white. 'I spoke to Nancy, told her I had found something of Brendan's I needed to return. She tracked you down through old newspapers.'

Cheryl continued to stare at him, unsure of what to say. 'You better sit down.' she pointed to a nearby sofa.

'Are you sure?' asked Ste, his face showing genuine vulnerability.

She touched her stomach once more and then made a firm decision. 'Yes sit down, it's time we had a chat love.'

Ste nodded and took off his coat slowly and hung it on a nearby peg. His eyes watched Cheryl as she made two cups of tea in the open plan kitchen. Cheryl tried to steady her hands as poured in the milk, but instead her shaking caused her to spill it all over the work surface.

'Do you need any help?' Ste asked gently, he had sat himself down gingerly at the edge of her leather sofa. It looked as if he was almost ready to flee at any moment.

'No love.' she said softly, as she walked in carrying the two cups. She placed one cup down on the table in front of him and sat down on a chair facing the sofa. Cheryl took a longer swig of her drink before gathering together all her courage. 'Why are you here Ste?'

'How many months pregnant are you?' asked Ste ignoring her question.

'Eight,' said Cheryl softly. 'I don't know the sex, but I was thinking Lynsey for a girl or Brendan for a boy.' she let the statement hang in the air.

'Poor kid,' said Ste laughing nervously at his own joke. 'Two big names to live up to.'

'It felt the right thing to do.' said Cheryl gently.

For a second his face looked tormented and Ste suddenly stood up. 'This was a mistake.' he muttered.

'No,' said Cheryl, her voice steady. 'It's time we talked. You didn't come all this way for nothing, you've come for answers.'

Ste sat back down, as if all the fight had gone out of him. 'I thought I could move on Cheryl. Why can't I move on?' Tears began to slide down his cheeks. 'It's been three years and I still can't find any release from it. I sometimes wake up and listen to see if I can hear him coming home from the club and sometimes I really do think he's there. But then I remember he's dead, he left me just like everyone else.' he angrily wiped away the tears with his clenched fists.

Cheryl didn't hide her own tears. 'I know love.'

'How can you know?' asked Ste, almost bitterly. 'You have everything you could ever want.'

'No,' said Cheryl, her voice faint. 'I don't.'

Their eyes met and again there was a long silence.

'I see him all the time you know?' said Ste suddenly, 'In my house, in the street and in my dreams. It's like he's haunting me. Leah sees him as well you know?'

Cheryl closed her eyes tightly. 'I see him all the time too.'

Ste picked up a framed picture from the table. 'You looked beautiful on your wedding day. I always thought you'd have gone for a bigger dress though.'

Cheryl smiled softly. 'It was a pretty quiet affair, none of my usual dramas. I just didn't have the heart for it.'

'Does Nate know?' asked Ste.

'That his precious wife is a murder?' asked Cheryl, failing to hide the bitterness in her voice. 'No.'

Ste put down the picture and stared intently at her. 'I won't tell anyone you know?'

Cheryl took a second to look at his face, which now contained more lines than it did when she last saw him. Ste Hay was still a beautiful man, even if now he held an air of unkemptness about him. The light, however, that had once attracted her brother to him seemed to have now gone out. Brendan's soul mate was now becoming dead inside, just like he had been all those years ago. A part of her wanted to laugh at the irony of it all.

'How long have you known?' she finally asked him.

'A while,' he answered, his eyes still on hers.

'Ste,' she asked, trying to draw strength from somewhere. 'What else do you remember about that night?'

His eyebrows scrunched together. 'Not a lot, it's all a blur.'

Cheryl put down her cup and clenched her fists. 'Brendan didn't die when everyone thought he did.'

A pulse of electricity seemed to jolt through Ste. 'What do you mean Cheryl?'

'I-' she panicked, suddenly realising that perhaps she shouldn't have said anything. 'Forget it.'

'You can't just say forget it Cheryl. What do you mean?' Ste's eyes were now wild with a number of emotions.

Cheryl forced herself to be brave; it was time that he knew the truth. 'After I killed Dad, there was a grapple for the gun.' she paused for a moment. 'Both Walker and Brendan got shot, but it was Walker's body they found on the floor not Brendan's.'

In one quick moment Ste had thrown the table containing all the pictures to the side. Shattered glass was now spread across the carpet. 'What do you mean?' he almost yelled, as he tried to contain himself.

'It's not what you think.' Cheryl said hysterically. 'Brendan is dead, but that wasn't his body at the funeral.'

'Whose was it?' asked Ste, his voice shaking with contained rage.

'Walker's.' said Cheryl softly.

Ste's face paled and he sunk back down onto the sofa. 'You mean to say I argued with Eileen over Walker's ashes?'

Cheryl looked down at the floor, trying to ignore the mess of broken glass that she would have to clean up later. 'I'm sorry.'

'Sorry isn't good enough.' spat Ste. 'what happened to Brendan's body?'

'I don't know,' she whispered. 'It all happened so quickly. One minute he was there kissing you goodbye and the next he was gone. Before he disappeared he begged me to tell the police that Walker's body was his and that he was the one who murdered our Dad. I didn't know what to do Ste, you must understand.' Cheryl wept, her eyes darting around the room.

'I don't believe you.' Ste said quietly, his voice as hard as stone. 'You can't pretend a dead body is someone else, they have tests for that kind of thing.'

'Nate paid them off.' whispered Cheryl. 'He has a quite a few friends in high places; he would do anything for me.'

'So Brendan's alive?' whispered Ste, he couldn't disguise the hope in his voice.

'No love,' said Cheryl gently. 'He was shot in the stomach, he couldn't survive that. I searched all the hospitals but couldn't find him.'

'That means nothing, he could have escaped and got away.' said Ste, a crazed look in his eyes. 'He could be out there right now.'

'No,' said Cheryl softly. 'He was dying, there was no way he could have survived his injury without going to a hospital. I think he just wanted to go somewhere and die on his own in peace'

'But you can't be sure of that.'

'Yes I can.' said Cheryl forcefully. 'I know he wouldn't have left us for anything in the world. The only way Brendan would stay away from us is if he was dead.'

'But who shot him?' asked Ste suddenly.

Cheryl paled and felt her heart rate increasing. Ste was never meant to ask that question. 'It was so fast, it happened so quickly.'

'It was me, wasn't it?' Ste closed his eyes, he remembered. He remembered the gun sliding across the floor and in his sickly state he had grabbed it and fired it at Walker. But it wasn't just Walker the bullet had hit, it was Brendan too. He had killed the love of his life.

'Ste.' said Cheryl desperately.

'I killed him didn't I?' asked Ste, his whole body was shaking.

'It was an accident.'

He didn't wait to hear any more, he launched himself off the sofa and out of the door. Cheryl shot up to follow him, tears pouring down her face.

'Ste!' she screamed, looking for any sign of him in the darkness. 'Ste, come back!' She stepped forward but felt pain through her abdomen. Her knees slid to the floor and she began to sob hysterically, not feeling the rain that was soaking her through. Cheryl didn't know what Ste was capable of doing to himself, but she knew she would never be able to follow him. Cheryl Brady was in labour.


	4. Declan

**Thank you so much for everyone who reviewed the last chapter. It was such an amazing response and made my very happy. Here is the next chapter and another piece in the puzzle as to what is going on. Enjoy! **

Declan Brady was rarely sure of many things in life, but today he was sure that Debbie Blake was the most boring girl he'd ever gone out with. It had taken him nearly two months to get her to agree to go on a date with him and what a waste of time that was. She was the prettiest girl around and he'd wanted to prove to everyone that he wasn't gay like his Dad. He was beginning to release what a mistake that truly had been.

'So I threw it back in my Ma's face and was like I don't want that cheap market tat.' Said Debbie, she was oblivious to the fact that her date wasn't really paying her that much attention.

'Do you fancy some chips?' asked Declan suddenly, spotting a nearby chip shop. His mouth watered at the delicious smell of frying potatoes and vinegar.

'Haven't you not just listened to a word I just said Declan? I've just been telling you for the past twenty minutes that I'm on a diet.' Her face looked ugly when she scowled.

Declan nodded but dived into the chip shop any way. He always had a big appetite; it was part of being Irish and having Brendan Brady as a father. Brendan Brady the father he never really knew, the man of mystery. He glanced down at his arms and shuddered, remembering the scars from his last encounter with his dad's old friend.

'Are you listening to me?'

Declan shoved a big pile of chips into his mouth, so he wouldn't be able to give her an honest answer. 'You sure you don't want any?' he asked, but it came out more like 'moo for sue penny?' with the amount of potato in his mouth.

Debbie wrinkled her nose in disgust. 'I don't know why I even agreed to this.'

Declan deep down couldn't have agreed more.

'Everyone thinks you're weird and I've heard such awful things about your father.'

For a second he froze, just as he was reaching up to put another chip in his mouth. 'What have you heard about my Da?'

For a second Debbie looked unsure of herself. 'That he was a murderer.'

'Oh,' said Declan, placing more chips into his mouth. He couldn't argue with her on that statement, not when he knew it to be true. His father had murdered his own Dad and then proceeded to be shot. It all sounded so clean cut, but Declan would never understand it all. He only had a vague memory of his Granddad Seamus, a forgotten Christmas where the man had spent the whole meal staring at him with a creepy intensity. Declan still felt shudders even when he thought about it now. The man had unnerved him and thank goodness he'd never seen him again.

'My mate Shane even said your Ma's dating a man young enough to be her son.' Debbie continued, not knowing when to shut up.

'So?' said Declan starting feel a wave of annoyance. So what if his Mum was dating an younger man? It had never stopped his father. His mother had spent years in a loveless marriage; it was about time she found some type of happiness.

'I'm just saying it's a bit wrong, that's all.' Said Debbie, she was starting to realise that perhaps she had gone too far.

'Did you know my Dad was gay too? Or did Shane fail to mention that?' he tried to ignore how dangerous he sounded.

Her cheeks flushed. 'Listen I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything.'

'No,' said Declan angrily. 'You shouldn't have.'

The two stopped and Declan realised they were standing alone on Dublin's pier. The only one there was a man who seemed to be clutching a bottle of some sort.

'I hate you!' cried a voice from the side, the man who was clutching the bottle had now thrown it towards the sea. He was so drunk that it only flew a metre before it smashed on the floor. 'Can't get anything right!'

Declan found himself frozen and as he suddenly realised something.

'I think we should go.' Said Debbie nervously, glancing towards the drunken man. She placed a nervous hand on his arm.

Declan harshly shrugged it off. 'I think I know that man. I've got to go and see if I'm right.'

'You're nuts!' said Debbie angrily.

'Like father like son then, ay? You can go home and tell all your friends that Declan Brady is a nut job. That's what you wanted, isn't it?'

Her face twisted into a bitter scowl. 'You really are Brendan Brady's son!' she turned and disappeared into the night without looking back.

Declan let out a sigh of relief as soon as she was gone. He'd rather be stuck with a drunken man than that girl. It seemed his repertoire with the ladies was almost as good as his fathers and he was gay. He closed his eyes and forced himself to be brave; he had to see if he was right. He knew that voice and he knew that slouching form.

Declan crept quietly up to the man and got a good look at his face.

'Ste?' he asked, his courage was failing and a part of him was ready to bolt at any minute.

There was a pause, which gave Declan time to see an empty bottle of vodka and a few bottles of piles.

'Declan?' slurred the figure.

'Oh my god!' he said suddenly. 'What on earth have you done?' He shot round the bench and kneeled in front of Ste. 'How many have you taken Ste?' he pulled out his mobile, ready to dial 999.

'I haven't taken any.' His eyes were now filling with crystal tears. 'I couldn't do it.'

Declan forgot himself and pulled Ste into his arms for a hug. 'Thank god, I can't loose you too.' He pulled away and felt his heart break at the tears which were sliding down Ste's cheeks.

'I'm sorry.' Whispered Ste.

'What's this about?' asked Declan. 'I thought everything was okay. You sounded quite happy when I texted you last. What happened to Broody?' He frowned trying to figure out what had brought this change in Ste. Against all odds he had stayed in contact with his father's lover and they had developed a bond of sorts. But Declan didn't know this Ste, this was not the Ste he had seen last.

'I killed him.' Said Ste. 'I killed your father.'

Declan glanced around and noticed more people had appeared on the pier and were beginning to stare. 'Come on, let's get you home.'

'I don't have a home.' said Ste through the tears, 'not since Brendan died.'

'We're going to my home.' Said Declan, he put an arm under Ste's shoulders and pulled him to his feet. He cringed at how light the man felt.

'Eileen won't like that.' Slurred Ste.

'Mum's away on a hen party. It's just me and her boyfriend at home at the minute.'

Ste nodded, the fight had gone out of him. He allowed Declan to guide him through the streets of Dublin as it all became a blur. He was vaguely aware of some drunks shouting a provocative comment, but Declan skilfully walked past them without a fight.

A few hours later Declan found himself sitting in his living room alone. He wiped away a few tears that he hadn't even been aware of. He simply just sat there staring at the television not hearing the words or seeing the pictures. This had been a regular habit when his father died, but lately things had started to feel normal again and it had all stopped. He angrily punched a cushion, trying to control the rage that regularly tried to consume him. How could one man he barely knew cause so much pain and suffering?

He had checked on Ste an hour ago, the man was now sleeping peacefully in his bed upstairs. He was relieved that Padraig was at a mates' for the night and his mum wasn't there. If his mum was there he was sure she would have thrown Ste out onto the streets by now. His mum often let Declan know what she felt about his relationship with that council rat trash. Underneath it all Declan knew his mum was jealous of Ste. Ste was the man his father had loved enough to change for. Eileen was the one Brendan couldn't get away from quick enough.

The sound of a key in the door alerted him to the fact that his mum's boyfriend had returned. He thought of the many excuses he could make up for a stranger being in the house, but decided to avoid all that trouble and sneak Ste out in the morning. In the morning was when he'd find out why Ste was in Ireland and what had caused him to be in the state he'd found him in.

'Alright Dec?'

Declan smiled and nodded. The two of them got on well enough, but there was just something about the man that irked him. He made his mum happy, but was forever taking business trips to the UK.

'Want a beer?' he asked his blue eyes on Declan.

'No thanks.'

He sat down next to him on the sofa. 'How did the hot date go?'

Declan sometimes wished he'd get the hint that he didn't enjoy small talk. 'Terrible.'

'Ah. Plenty more fish in the sea.' He gave Declan his best attempt at a parental smile. 'Any way, I've just got to nip upstairs and use your computer.'

'No!' said Declan standing up suddenly.

He frowned at the boy, obviously confused. He regularly used Declan's computer without any fuss. 'Why not?'

'You just can't, okay?'

'Declan.'

Declan shut his eyes for a second. 'Look there's somebody up there, okay?'

His mother's boyfriend's eyes lit up suddenly. 'Is that Debbie up there?'

'No.'

'I like your style Declan. Which lucky girl is it?'

Declan clenched his fists. 'It's not a girl.'

The man's eyes widened in response to his admission, 'Your mum is going to go mad.'

'It's not what you think,' said Declan quickly.

'Who's up there?' he demanded.

'Me.' said a soft voice from behind them.

Declan turned and noticed Ste standing on the stairs watching the two of them. The man's eyes seemed to widen in shock at the sight of his mum's boyfriend.

'Ste?'

'Kevin?'

That was the moment in which everything suddenly got very messy.


	5. Kevin

**Thank you to all my reviewers of the last chapter :) This fic is nearly over, one chapter left. The angst bunny has certainly come out to play tonight. Enjoy! **

_The night Seamus Brady was murdered was not like what anyone would have expected. There was no rain, no thunder and the village of Hollyoaks itself was alive with the bustle of people. No one suspected that Ste Hay had been snatched from his Deli just after closing or that he was leaning against a wall with his life slowly leaving him. _

_If anyone had entered the club that night they would have been met with the sight of a broken man sobbing about his childhood and a sister driven to murder by regret and love. Who would have expected that a gun would go sliding across the floor and into the hands of a man who could see nothing but blurs of movement. It didn't take him long to pick up the gun and for a second he admired how light it felt in his hands. Then he pulled the trigger. _

_The bullet went straight through two men who seemed intent on fighting to the death. Simon Walker was dead before he even hit the floor and Brendan Brady lay there for a while clutching the wound in his stomach. From his place on the floor he glanced up towards his dying lover and made a decision. He pushed himself up and forced himself to whisper words of instruction to his sister. He stumbled over to his lover to kiss him one last time, crying and whispering he was sorry. By the time he had finished Ste's eyes had slid closed and he was covered in blood and tears. _

_Brendan took one last look at the two people he loved more than anything in the universe and then stumbled his way into the outside world. He leaned against the outside of the club, breathing heavily and pressing down hard on the bullet wound. His hands were bright red, stained with the blood from his injury. He closed his eyes, knowing he was going to die. He contemplated going backstairs to spend his last moments with Stephen, if they both died then they wouldn't be apart for long. _

'_Brendan?' asked a voice from behind him. _

_Brendan turned and his eyes met a familiar pair of blue ones. 'Help me.' _

'Help me!' squeaked Kevin as he hid behind the island in the middle of the kitchen.

Ste ignored his cries and continued to advance towards him with a frying pan. He was going to murder Kevin Foster. He had already unknowingly murdered two men, what difference would another one make?'

'Ste!' Shouted Declan. 'Ste! Have you lost your mind?' He gripped the older man's arms and tried frantically to stop him.

'I'm going to kill him!' shouted Ste. 'I'm going to kill him and then I'm going to tell the world what a lying scumbag he is.'

Kevin squeaked again and curled up into a little ball on the floor. 'It wasn't my fault Ste, it was all Walker.'

Ste was in front of him now and for a second he imagined how much pleasure it would bring him to slam the frying pan down right on the snivelling coward's head. 'I don't care. You're weak! You destroyed me, you destroyed Brendan, you even destroyed our relationship for a while; I should destroy your face.'

'Please Ste,' whimpered Kevin. 'Let me explain. Please don't take Eileen or this life away from me. I love her.'

Ste continued to stand there, but felt the rage slowly working its way out of his body. He became limp and Declan's hold on his arms began to slacken. He placed the frying pan down and slid down the side of the island to sit on the floor. 'You're not worth it. You're just a snivelling coward.'

'You're right.' Said Kevin quietly, 'But that's who I used to be, I'm not that man any more.'

Ste glanced over at his tear stained face. 'You could have fooled me.'

Declan glanced at the two men, a look of confusion on his face. 'What on earth is going on?'

'This is the man who accused your Dad of sexual assault.' Said Ste.

There was an awkward silence and Declan tried his best to look surprised, but failed.

'You knew about this?' asked Ste, failing to hide the look of betrayal on his face.

Declan sighed and joined the two men on the floor. 'That's how he and mum met. She wanted to know if the accusations were true, she said it didn't feel right because she had seen how you and Dad were together.'

'When she approached me I told her everything.' Said Kevin, wiping his face with one hand. 'At first she hated me, they all did. But I wanted to make amends to her and the boys, so I followed her back to Ireland.'

'We all hated him Ste; it took us all so long to forgive him for his lies. But I noticed when he was around, Mum started to smile for the first time in years. I found I couldn't hate him, not when he made her so happy.'

'I've changed.' Said Kevin softly. 'I've spent the last few years trying to put right everything I destroyed.'

Ste raised an eyebrow. 'Well I've never seen any evidence of this.'

Kevin took a deep breath. 'You haven't noticed everything I've been doing for you in the past few years?'

Ste opened and closed his mouth, then paled in realisation. 'That was you?'

Kevin looked him squarely in the eye. 'Yes. The tic-tacs, the taking you home, saving you from that man, the toy, the phone call about Broody and getting Eileen to agree to let the boys scatter Brendan's ashes with you. That was all me.'

Ste rested his head on his knees. 'I thought…'

Kevin looked him squarely in the eyes. 'You thought it was Brendan. I heard you cry out his name so many times when you were drunk.'

'I don't get it,' said Steven 'Why?'

Kevin glanced over at Declan. 'Can you give us a few minutes?'

Declan placed a reassuring hand on Ste's shoulder before standing up. 'I'll be upstairs if either of you need me.' He slipped out the kitchen and shot them both an uncertain look before he disappeared.

'He's a good lad.' Said Kevin softly, 'He's a credit to both Eileen and Brendan.'

'I'm not sitting so you can talk to me about Declan.' Growled Ste. 'I still don't know if I've done the right thing letting you live.'

'That's how I used to feel when I kept saving you from yourself. All the times when

you were passed out because of the vodka or out cold in an alleyway. I used to think maybe just this once I could leave him and then if I'm really lucky maybe the choice would be taken away from me.'

Ste clenched his fists. 'Don't pretend you know anything about what I was going through. I just wanted to wake up for it all to be a dream, I wanted to die. And you did that!'

'No,' said Kevin softly. 'Walker did that.'

'Just because you saved me from myself a few times you think you know everything. I forgot you were Saint Kevin now.'

Kevin's eyes flashed dangerously. 'I'm anything but a saint, some nights I even thought about killing you myself. Just so I'd be rid of you and the guilt.'

'My heart bleeds for you.'

'It should do. All the time I spent watching over you I couldn't figure out what made you so special, what was so damn important about Ste Hay?' Kevin looked at him with an expression of loathing. 'If I hadn't been trying to atone for what I had done and if I hadn't known you had children, you wouldn't be here. I'd have left you to die in your own vomit.'

Ste started to laugh, a cold laugh that shook every part of his body. 'Are you done with your little show now Kevin? You think I'm going to fall for your performance like I did last time?'

'I don't know…' he looked uncertain for the first time.

'Cut the crap Kevin. How much money did Brendan give you?'

Kevin looked wrong footed for the first time. 'He didn't give me anything.'

'How much?' demanded Ste, his tone dangerous.

'He didn't give me money.' Said Kevin, his expression unguarded. 'He gave me his secret bankcard and pin number. He said I could have the lot if I looked after you and his boys.'

'I knew it would all be about money and not redemption. Why should I believe you?' asked Ste. 'How do I know you didn't steal it?'

Kevin's eyes met Ste's. 'Because it was his last request when he was dying, I may be many things but I'm not a monster.'

Ste wiped a single tear away from his eye; his heart was beating heavily in his chest. The world was beginning to spin and become a blur. 'You know what happened to Brendan after he left the club?'

'He died in the back of my car. I tried to get him to the hospital, but there was nothing I could do. I buried him in some park and disappeared.' He looked down at the floor and refused to meet Ste's eyes.

Shuddering sobs rocked Ste's whole body. 'He's dead, he's really dead. All these years I thought…' Once the crying started he found that he couldn't stop it.

'Now you know the truth.' Said Kevin, his face filled with guilt. 'I can never apologise or atone for what I did to you both, but I'm trying. Now that you know the truth, maybe you can finally move on.' He glanced up when he heard the kitchen door open.

Declan slipped into the room and bent down and put his arms around Ste. The two sat there together and neither said a word.

'It's time we all moved on. It's what Brendan would have wanted.' Said Kevin softly, he slipped out of the backdoor and closed the door firmly behind him. He breathed in the cold night air and tried to regain control of his shaking hands. He checked no one was behind him, before pulling out his phone and dialling in a number that was all too familiar to him. 'It's done.' He said simply, before pressing the hang-up button on the phone.


	6. Brendan

**The end is very near…Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. Your reviews mean so much and it's lovely to see you readers enjoying this fic! Enjoy!**

Ste Hay sat with Leah watching television. It had been a long and emotional few weeks and it finally felt as if things were coming to an end. Brendan was dead and there was no coming back from that. He was a murderer and he knew that there was no way he could ever change that fact. He glanced down at his daughter in everything but blood, hoping that she'd never discover that her father was a monster.

Discovering he was the one who had murdered Brendan had brought about a change in Ste that he couldn't quite explain. For the first time in three years he felt calm, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He knew the truth of that night; he was the one who had finally set Brendan Brady free. Ste realised a few weeks later that he was ready to die; he wondered if he would go to hell. He would go anywhere just to be near Brendan again.

'Are you okay Daddy?' asked Leah next to him.

'Of course I am.' said Ste, not able to look her in the eye.

He hoped his daughter didn't have mind reading abilities or could sense that he had finally given up. Life had become bland, like eating your favourite food only to find it no longer had any taste. He wasn't going to kill himself, but he felt ready for the grim reaper. Life had no meaning without Brendan.

Ste wondered how many years he would be around for. How long did it take to die of a broken heart? He would find out soon enough. He could feel the itch to have a drink, a part of him vaguely wondered if drugs would make him feel any more alive. But he forced those thoughts from his mind, today was Leah's day. One of the last days she would get with the person that now resembled her father. He was ready to destruct and this time there would be no Kevin around to stop him.

'Daddy?' said Leah softly.

Ste looked up and felt his heart melt at the expression on his daughter's face. 'Yeah?'

'The last time I saw Daddy Brendan, he said that you need to forgive yourself and let go.' she looked at him in a way a mother would look at a child. 'I miss you Daddy and I bet Daddy Brendan would miss the old you too.'

Ste's felt a solitary tear slip down his cheek. 'I miss me too.'

'Will you get better soon? Ever since Daddy Brendan went away, Mummy says you've been very sick.' Leah didn't take her eyes off her father's face.

'I don't know.' answered Ste. 'I don't know if I can get better. But I promise you if I can, I will try.'

Leah bit her lip. 'Lucas will get better won't he?'

Ste nodded. 'Lucas has only got a cold, that's why he's at home with Mummy; he'll get better in a few days.'

Leah nodded, as if she understood. 'It'll all be okay in the end, you and Daddy Brendan will be together again soon.' she slipped her hand into his.

Ste nodded and was about to say something when he heard a banging on the front door. He let out a sigh and headed towards it, wondering who it could be. Nobody ever seemed to visit him any more; he wasn't exactly the best company. He pulled the door open and his mouth fell open.

'Cheryl?' he asked.

The blonde woman was stood at his door clutching a baby carrier. 'Can I come in?'

Ste nodded and stepped aside.

'Hello darling.' said Cheryl warmly as she saw Leah.

'Aunt Cheryl!' said Leah happily.

Cheryl's smile brightened at the expression of happiness on Leah's face. 'My you've grown!'

Leah tilted her head and glanced down at the baby carrier. 'Daddy didn't tell me you were coming.'

Ste stood sheepishly behind the two of them. 'That's because Daddy didn't know.' He glanced down at the baby in the carrier. 'He's gorgeous.'

Cheryl practically beamed at him. 'He is, isn't he?'

Leah bent down and looked into the carrier. 'Hello baby Brendan,' she whispered, stroking the baby's cheek gently.

Ste found his insides freeze at that name. 'You called him Brendan?'

A mixture of emotions crossed across Cheryl's face. 'Is that okay?'

Ste forced himself to smile. 'Of course it is.' he glanced over at Leah. 'How did you know what Cheryl had called him?' asked Ste.

Leah rolled her eyes. 'I keep telling you all, Daddy Brendan tells me things.'

Cheryl's eyes met Ste's in confusion.

Ste let out a sigh. 'She's got this whole seeing dead people thing going on.' he said as a way of an explanation.

'Ah.' said Cheryl, not looking completely convinced.

'She'll grow out of it.' said Ste simply.

Leah let out a long sigh as if both of them were stupid. 'I won't grow out of it. I don't know why you don't believe me.'

'Leah.' said Ste. 'How about you go to your room and sort out what you're taking back to Mummy's.'

'Do I have to?' asked Leah.

'Yes.'

Leah gave the baby's cheek one last stroke, before heading to her room and slamming the door.

Ste rolled his eyes. 'I swear she gets more like a teenager every day.' He looked at Cheryl and frowned. 'What are you doing here?'

Cheryl drew a shaky breath. 'I wanted to see you love, I couldn't leave things how they were.'

Ste glanced down at the baby and found tiny eyes to be watching him. 'I don't know how you can even bare to be in the same room as me, not after what I did.'

'But you didn't do it Ste, Walker did.' said Cheryl. 'I wish we could both go back in time and change everything that happened, but we can't. They're all dead and we're the ones who survived. It's time we both started living.' she glanced down at her baby and the door Leah had disappeared through. 'We both got so much to live for.'

Ste began to cry and Cheryl stepped forward and put her arms around him. The two stood there for a moment crying and holding on to one another. For a moment the two found an anchor in the storm that had raged inside them both for the last three years.

'I love you.' said Cheryl softly; she kissed Ste gently on the head. 'I've missed you so much.'

Ste wiped his nose with the back of his hand. 'I've missed you too.'

They stood there staring at one another, until baby Brendan let out a piercing cry. Cheryl kneeled down and gently rocked the carrier until his cries quietened again. 'I want you to be his godfather.'

Ste let out a laugh, thinking she was joking. 'Me? I'm not exactly godfather material.'

Cheryl shot him a watery smile. 'I think you're perfect. We both need a fresh start and this is our chance. I can't think of anyone who would love him as much as you. Just do me a favour, think about it before you say no.'

Two hours later Ste found himself sitting on the bus with a silly smile on his face. He hadn't had much to smile about in such a long time and it was a strange feeling. A warm feeling had enveloped him ever since he'd first held baby Brendan. He was sure the baby had looked up at him and actually smiled. For the first time in three years he had something to live for, a chance for him and Cheryl to undo the mistakes that Seamus had created in the past.

'I like it when you smile.' said Leah warmly.

Ste smiled warmly at her and was almost disappointed when he realised they were pulling into the bus station. When he got back to Hollyoaks he was going to go with Cheryl back to Ireland indefinitely. It had all been arranged, there was just Amy left to tell. Nate had even offered to pay for the airfare for the kids to visit him. He would never get Brendan back, but he would get to live with his sister and nephew. He wasn't letting go of him, just clinging to the little pieces of him that were left. Perhaps the little pieces could help him become a whole again.

Leah grabbed his hand and happily swung it. The sun was setting and spring was in the air. It was time for a new beginning. They walked through the local park, neither saying a word to each other. It was only when they got close to the centre that Leah dropped his hand and ran forward.

Ste let out a yell of annoyance as Leah ran up the path and practically threw herself at a bedraggled man standing by a nearby bench. The man seemed unaware of Ste's presence and was hugging the girl close to him.

'Oi! You! Get your dirty hands off my daughter.' shouted Ste angrily.

The man slowly put Leah down and turned. Ste found himself frozen and for a moment his heart actually stopped. A pair of blue eyes met his own and Ste couldn't breath, couldn't move. He was stuck staring at a ghost, a man who should be dead. The man who's absent had made him feel dead inside.

'Brendan?'

**I'm sorry if I lured you all into a false sense of security of what the ending was going to be. I didn't want to give away where this was headed. So I guess there will be one last chapter….for the road :) **


	7. Steven

**Coping Mechanisms is now officially finished! Thank you so much to those of you who have stuck with this/me and have read/reviewed/alerted/faved. It's taken a while, but I'm really happy with this ending and it is exactly what I wanted it to be. So enjoy the last chapter :) **

Ste Hay had discovered a lot of things in the last six years. He knew what it was like to be low, so low that it felt as if the sun had gone away and there would never be light again. He knew what it was like to be desperate, so desperate that an ache for pills and vodka came more and more every day. He also knew what it was like to be haunted, both by a person and by a lost love. Nearly three years ago even breathing had felt like a chore, something he had to make himself do. But at least now he found that some how it had all become easier and each day the knot in his chest became looser.

He was startled from his thoughts by Cheryl standing in the door way to her back garden, if you could call her grounds a back garden. She smiled at him and joined him outside on the bench he was sitting on.

'Morning love.' she said gently. Cheryl rubbed her hands to get rid of the early morning chill. 'You're up early.'

'Couldn't sleep.' said Ste. He looked out towards the misty hills that seemed to be all around them. There was something liberating about being surrounded by so much space.

'Me neither.' said Cheryl, she placed one of her hands over his. 'It's the anniversary of Dad's death today. I was thinking we should get some champagne and celebrate.'

The tone of her voice made Ste turn and look at her properly, he frowned at what he saw. 'You don't have to pretend with me.' he said. 'I know you loved him, even after everything he did.'

A single tear slipped down Cheryl's cheek and she angrily wiped it away. 'No babe, I loved who I thought he was. It turned out that man never existed.'

The two sat in silence for a moment. Neither willing to break it or say what was really on their minds.

'I sometimes see Walker you know. Every day since I found out it was me who...' Ste found himself unable to continue. The fact he was a murderer (even if it was in some ways an accidental one) never sat right with him. He still sometimes woke up in the night screaming and often thought Walker was standing at the end of his bed. He'd been caught many times raiding Cheryl's spirits cabinet in the middle of the night and it was something he wasn't proud of.

'It wasn't your fault love.'

The sound of fast foot steps caused them both to look up. A small three year old boy stood in the door way, his curly brown hair haloed around his head, cheeks flushed and blue eyes shinning. 'Mummy, Uncle Ste!' he said happily.

Cheryl squeezed Ste's hand and stood up. 'Good morning sweetie.' she said smiling, 'How about I make you some breakfast?'

The little boy nodded happily, reaching up to grab his Mum's hand with his own. Ste felt a lump in his throat as he watched the two go into the kitchen together hand in hand. Cheryl's son was like a representation of everything Brendan could have been if that monster hadn't got a hold of him.

The sun was slowly rising over the hills and it couldn't have been any more different to that day in the park three years ago. When the world as he had come to believe it had come crashing down:

'Brendan?'

Ste and Brendan were frozen in time; all they could do was stare at one another. Leah looked at the two of them, waiting for them to say something. Ste found his whole body shaking, as his knees buckled and he fell on to them.

'No, no, no.' he whispered. 'You're not real, you're a ghost.' He closed his eyes and then opened them. To his surprise Brendan was still there and for once even he looked unsure of himself.

'Steven.' he said softly.

Ste stuck his fingers into his ears, blocking the sound out. 'Can't hear you. If I can't hear you then this isn't happening.'

'You weren't meant to see me.'

Ste shoved his fingers even further into his ears and started to hum loudly. He wondered how this would look to a passer-by and was glad that the park was empty. He was having a break down, but it wasn't every day you saw your dead boyfriend in the park dressed as a tramp. He knew his mind was in a delicate state, but couldn't it have at least given Brendan better clothes? He started to laugh hysterically and once he started he couldn't stop.

'Daddy?' said Leah gently. 'Daddy Brendan is trying to talk to you.'

Ste lowered his hands and continued to stare at both his daughter and the dead man. Ste was still laughing, but the laughter was fast turning into harsh and painful sobs. He waited for the tears to come, but found that they wouldn't. He had cried too many times over the past three years, he had no more tears left.

'Steven.' said Brendan again; he bent down in front of Ste. He reached out a hand to touch his cheek.

'Don't touch me!' hissed Ste, throwing himself away from the hand. He couldn't face it if Brendan touched him, if Brendan touched him then he would foolishly start to think that maybe he wasn't dead. If the hand went through him then he would know it was just his mind yet again playing a cruel trick on him. Both were dangerous thoughts and led down roads that he didn't want to think about.

Ste found himself curling up in the middle of the path, his breath short. The world began to spin and blur. He closed his eyes trying to block everything out, trying to make it all disappear. As everything became black all he could hear was a voice saying 'Steven' over and over again.

A crash from behind him made Ste jump out of his thoughts. He turned around and noticed Cheryl's son at the door looking sheepish. There was now a smashed plate on the floor and pieces of toast.

'Sorry.' said Brendan, his big blue eyes filling with tears. He had obviously been trying to bring Ste his breakfast.

'Don't worry.' said Ste gently. Wondering why on earth Cheryl hadn't put his toast on a plastic plate 'I never liked that plate any way, why don't you go to Mummy while I clean this all up.'

Brendan continued to stare at him with big uncertain eyes.

Ste stepped over the plate fragments and picked up the small boy. He held him close as he stepped back into the kitchen and noticed that Cheryl was busy staring out the window, as black smoke appeared to be coming from the toaster.

'Cheryl!' he said.

The blonde woman jumped, completely started by his presence. 'Sorry.' she said sheepishly, hastily rubbing away the mascara lines on her cheeks. 'I was somewhere else.'

Ste placed Brendan into his high chair and planted a kiss on the small boy's head. 'Have you got a dustpan? Brendan smashed a plate.' he went over to the toaster and switched it off and cringed at the smell of burning.

'Smashed a plate?' asked Cheryl. 'I thought I'd given him a plastic one to carry outside. He really wanted to take you your breakfast.'

'Its okay.' said Ste rummaging through one of the cupboards. 'Accidents happen.' he pulled out a dustpan and headed back out into the garden. He couldn't bear to watch Cheryl fall apart, not during today of all days. He headed back outside and started to sweep up the fragments of plate and toast. His mind drifted back to the events of three years ago:

'Ste?' said a soft voice through the darkness. 'Ste?'

His eyes shot open and he found himself laying back on something comfortable. Ste looked up and noticed Amy staring down at him. 'Amy?' he rasped.

'Are you okay?' she asked.

'I think so.' he said, holding his head which was pounding. He looked around expecting to see Brendan. 'Where is he?'

Amy frowned at him. 'Where's who?'

'Brendan!' he said some what hysterically, forcing himself to stand up.

'Ste.' said Amy, sounding somewhat unsure. 'Brendan's dead. You passed out in my front garden earlier; Leah was terrified and rang the doorbell. Don't you remember?'

'I never got anywhere near your house. I was at the park, Brendan was there.'

'No Ste.' said Amy calmly. 'None of that happened.'

'Yes it did!' said Ste angrily, he forced his way past Amy and out through the front door with her shouting after him.

He ran barefoot down the street, trying to ignore the glass and grit digging into his skin. Ste didn't stop running until he got to the park; he felt a jolt of relief when he spotted a bedraggled looking man sitting on the bench.

'Brendan!' he cried, slowing down as he reached the bench. His smile soon turned to a frown as he looked closer at the man, he wasn't Brendan.

A warm hand slid up the gap between his t-shirt and trousers, causing Ste to jump back into the present. He swore loudly as he dropped the dustpan and cut his hand in the process on a shard of plate.

'Careful Steven.' said a silky voice. Brendan Brady gently turned Ste around and examined his bleeding hand. He slipped his mouth around the hand and sucked it gently.

'That's proper gross.' said Ste, although a secret part of him found it quite sexy if he was honest with himself. 'I wouldn't have cut myself if you hadn't snuck up on me.'

Brendan pulled away 'I was loud enough to wake the dead Steven. It's not my fault you need a hearing test.'

Ste rolled his eyes and bent down to pick up the dustpan. He nearly jumped again when a strong hand caught one of his bum cheeks and squeezed gently.

'Where did you disappear to this morning?' asked Brendan, his voice husky.

'Couldn't sleep.' said Ste in honesty.

'Why didn't you wake me?'

Ste shrugged. 'You were snoring away like a pig, so I thought you wouldn't miss me.'

'I always miss you when I wake up to find you're not next to Me.' said Brendan.

Ste playfully dodged the older man who was leaning in to kiss him. 'No, you just miss the sex.' he headed back into the kitchen, knowing Brendan was following him. 'All cleaned up out there Chez.' he said. 'I'm going to take a shower.'

'I'll join you.' said Brendan innocently.

'No you will not.' said Cheryl, placing a pile of toast on the table. 'I need you to help your nephew with his breakfast. The poor kid's already stuck with your name and now you want him to go without his cereal.'

'He's perfectly capable of feeding himself.' said Brendan. 'Any way, why can't you do it?'

'I have to go upstairs and make myself look beautiful and you know Brendan likes it when you feed him cereal.' she grabbed Ste's arm and pulled him towards the stairs.

Ste winked at Brendan as he left the kitchen. It had taken the two of them a long time to get back to any sort of normality together. He never took for granted that each and everyday they spent together was special, precious even. He slipped into the bathroom, pulling off his t-shirt and locking the door. He turned on the shower and steam soon began to fill the room.

Three years ago he'd done the same thing after returning home from Amy's. He'd returned to his flat shivering from shock, unsure if he was finally beginning his descent into madness. He'd forced himself not to look as the blood from his feet mingled with the bubbles from the shower. He'd pretty much gotten out and then gone to bed, his hair still soaking wet. He hadn't expected to wake up to Cheryl screaming her head off.

'You're supposed to be dead!' she screamed.

Ste shot outside his bedroom just in time to see Cheryl savagely attack a very much alive Brendan Brady with a fluffy duck.

'Do you have any idea what you've done to me?' she screamed hitting him again. 'To poor Ste? You've practically destroyed the poor lad. And now I find you sitting on his sofa bold as brass like you own the place.'

Ste looked between the brother and sister, feeling a cold trickle of shock run through him. If he was seeing ghosts, then at least Cheryl was too.

'You weren't meant to be here. I just wanted to check he was okay' muttered Brendan.

'Weren't meant to be here?' Her voice became a shriek. 'How long have you been sneaking into Ste's flat without him knowing you're here?'

Ste held onto the door frame for support. 'He's been doing it ever since he apparently died. Well him and Kevin have.' he said quietly.

A silence descended on the room as the two Brady siblings looked at him in shock. He felt oddly calm and his body felt as if it was floating. Brendan stepped forward towards him, but Ste took a step back shaking his head.

'I think you should both sit down.' Ste said in a far away voice. His veins were full of ice, 'I'll make us all some tea.' He walked stiffly to the kitchen and before he knew it three cups of tea were sat in front of him. The strangest thing was he couldn't remember making them. In auto pilot he walked back over to Brendan and Cheryl and placed the cups of tea in front of them.

'Are you okay, love?' asked Cheryl, her face was full of worry and concern.

Ste sat himself as far away as possible from Brendan. 'Where's your baby?'

'Nancy's looking after him.' answered Cheryl.

Ste nodded staring into the depths of his cup.

'Say something love.' said Cheryl her face scrunched up with worry, 'you're scaring me.'

'I should go.' said Brendan firmly standing up.

'No!' said Ste, shocking himself with how firm and desperate he sounded.

Brendan sat back down, his blue eyes fixed on Ste.

'You've got a lot of explaining to do. Now isn't the time to run out on us again.' said Cheryl, fixing her brother with a glare. 'How did you survive that night and why haven't you come back sooner?'

'It was easier for me to stay dead.' stated Brendan. 'Kevin picked me up that night and took me to a doctor, the kind of doctor you get to know when you've lived on the streets. By the time I recovered I was already dead and buried.'

'That still doesn't explain why you never revealed to anyone that you were alive before now.' said Cheryl angrily.

'Oh he has.' said Ste bitterly. 'He has been visiting Leah for the past three years.'

'That was a mistake.' Brendan looked down at the floor. 'I never meant for her to see me or for her to tell her Mum, it got out of hand. I didn't know Amy would try to get doctors involved, I couldn't resist seeing her. She was like the last piece of my old life that I couldn't let go of, it was like having a piece of you still with me Steven.' he tried to meet Ste's eyes, but the younger man refused to look at him.

'Cut the crap Brendan.' said Ste, trying to hide the hurt in his voice. 'We all know what this is about. You didn't love me enough to stay with me.'

'You know that isn't true.' Brendan looking over to Cheryl for help.

'Well I can't see there being any other explanation.' said Ste firmly. 'I'm sorry if us finding out you're alive has ruined what ever it is you do now.' his voice laced with dark sarcasm.

'I hit you Steven.' said Brendan brokenly. 'Before I 'died' I hit you, something that I'd promised myself I wouldn't do again. I'm poison Steven and if I'd come back to you how long would it have been until I'd done it again? Neither of us would have left that relationship willingly, we would have carried on regardless. If I hadn't died you would have followed me and I didn't want you to do that. I wanted you to live and be happy.' A single tear slipped down his cheek.

'Faking your own death was a bit of an extreme length to go to, to make sure it never happened again.' stated Ste angrily.

'It wasn't just that.' said Brendan. 'The reason you were all put in that situation with Walker was because of me, because of what I'd done in the past. Now that I'm dead to the world I know there are no more skeletons in the closet. No more threats or people who will come back wanting to make the people I love pay for the things I did in the past. I once said to Amy that I could never be sure if the things that I'd done in the past would catch up with me. I set you all free from my sins when I died. You have to understand Steven; I did it because I love you all too much to go through another Walker.'

Ste went to rub his eye and realised that he was crying. From the trail of tears on his cheeks it seemed like he'd been crying for quite a while. 'You did this to protect me from you and the people in your past?' he said bitterly. 'What about protecting me from myself Brendan? Didn't you realise that when you died a part of me died with you? I was so lost without you that I wanted to die!'

'Steven' said Brendan, he had stood up and was standing over him.

'Get out.' Ste whispered. 'Get out, get out, get out, get out!' he was now screaming hysterically. He continued screaming the two words, repeating them with more and more venom each time. With a strength he never thought himself possible off he pushed Brendan out to the front door and then out of his flat. He slammed the door behind him and stood against it shaking with rage, grief, sadness, betrayal, longing and the emotion he hated the most at that moment: hope. He slid down the door and onto the floor.

'Are you alright babe?' whispered Cheryl.

Ste had forgotten she was even there. He forced himself to nod. 'Let's go to Ireland.' he said faintly.

In the present Ste turned off the shower and stepped out, pulling a towel round his waist. In the days that followed the revelation that Brendan was alive Ste had began to change again. After the shock had worn off he'd become angry and resentful, he'd even started drinking again. But nothing burned the knowledge from his mind that Brendan Brady was alive, his heart was beating and he was somewhere out there in the world. For the first time in three years Ste didn't feel numb any more and it scared him.

He'd move into Cheryl's house in a daze. He hadn't seen Brendan since the day in the flat, part of him was happy and the other part disappointed. Brendan's continued absence from his life just reinforced his belief that the man didn't love him any more. He tried to ignore the fresh memories that were now rising through an alcohol fuelled haze into the realms of his conscious mind. He was starting to remembering things that he shouldn't: Brendan sitting on his bed after the funeral stroking his hair and whispering calmly to him after his funeral, Brendan taking him home from nightclubs, Brendan beating the man in the alley who had tried to touch him, Brendan being quite a few of the one night stands he'd had over the years, Brendan holding him while he wept and downed vodka. It was like Ste had suddenly been given a book called 'Where's Brendan' and he was beginning to spot him all over the pages of his memory. Brendan had been there all along, he'd just repressed it because the grief it caused him was too painful.

Ste slipped on his clothes and made his way back down to the kitchen. He tried to hide a smile when he noticed that Brendan jnr. had covered his uncle in cereal.

'Nice job there Bren.' he said playfully. He pulled some orange juice out of the fridge and poured himself a glass. 'Aren't the kids up yet?' He grabbed himself a cold piece of toast and started to eat it.

'No, they're still in bed.' answered Brendan, trying to spoon another mouth of cereal into the miniature version of himself.

Toddler Brendan shook his head and held his lips firmly closed. He grabbed the spoon off his uncle and flicked it all over Brendan's face. He let out a naughty giggle as his uncle wiped the soggy cereal away with his hand frowning.

'He's going to grow up and be just like you, you know?' said Ste smiling.

'What? Either a murderer or gay you mean?' asked Brendan dryly.

Ste shrugged and took another gulp of his orange juice. 'Murdering is the Brady right of passage, both me and Cheryl have done it.' he started laughing at Brendan's expression. 'What? Just being honest.' He bent down and kissed Brenda's milk stained cheek.

Toddler Brendan used his uncle's momentary distraction and threw his whole bowl of cereal onto Brendan's head.

Ste couldn't help but laugh. Brendan's well groomed hair was now covered in soggy cornflakes and milk. 'You both better go upstairs and change.'

Brendan grabbed his nephew and headed towards the stairs grumbling. Ste was once again left alone. If three years ago someone had told Ste he would have Brendan and his kids, he would have laughed in their face. When he'd first move into Cheryl's house the days seemed long and lonely, the nights worse. He'd tried to ignore Cheryl's hushed phone calls and the fact that he sometimes heard Brendan's voice in the house.

One night he'd woken up screaming from a nightmare and discovered himself in Brendan's arms:

Ste pushed himself away from the man, trying to ignore his own shaking body. 'Get off me.' He hissed looking around for his phone and dressing gown.

'Steven.' Said Brendan, his eyes silver in the moonlight.

'I don't want to hear it.' Ste hissed, pulling on the dressing gown.

'Where are you going?'

Ste paused for a second. 'To get some vodka. I should have known you'd be able to worm your way back in with Cheryl.'

He let out a yelp as Brendan gently grabbed his wrist and pulled him back into bed. He angrily fought against him as the older man put his arms around him.

'You don't need vodka.' Said Brendan gently.

Ste froze for a second too long and found himself enveloped against Brendan's hard, warm chest. 'You left me.' He whispered.

'I know.' Said Brendan, the sound rumbling over his body.

'You left me.' He repeated again, the back of his throat caught. 'You left me.' This time is came out as a sob. He angry began to beat his fists again Brendan's chest, trying to break away from his hold. Once the tears started he found that they wouldn't stop, he was crying with three years worth of pain and grief. The world was shaking and everything was a tearful blur, but the first time Ste found himself anchored steadily to the world with Brendan's embrace. 'You left me.' He said in one last painful whisper, before sleep once again consumed him.

'I won't again.' Came a voice from within his dreams.

The next night he'd found Brendan in his bed again; he'd wanted to argue and shout at him, but he'd found himself just too tired. Ste had gone back to sleep and in the morning found that Brendan was gone again. From then on Brendan slept with him every night, but was always gone by morning. It wasn't long after that, that they'd started to have sex again. Angry sex that left them both breathless and caused Ste to sink his nails into Brendan's flesh to check he was still there. That of course had eventually changed to something that was a lot calmer and erotic. Ste often found himself sleeping on Brendan's chest afterwards, just to make sure there was still a heart beat. It had all changed one morning when Ste had awoken to find Brendan still there, watching the younger man sleep.

'Steven.' he'd whispered, his voice and eyes filled with emotion. 'I'm sorry.'

Ste looked up at him with wide sleepy eyes and immediately knew what the apology was for. 'I'm still angry at you Brendan, you hurt me. But even though I'm not going to forget in a hurry, I'm going to try and forgive you.'

Brendan nodded. 'That's all I can ask.'

After that moment the two had started to rebuild their lives together, slowly but surely their relationship had got stronger and better. Although there had been a few bumps in the road: Ste had hit the roof when he'd found out Brendan had spent a few months in America with Mitzeee during his supposed 'afterlife', Declan had punched his Dad and refused to talk to him for three months when he'd found out he was alive and Eileen had threatened a number of times to expose them all to the police. There had been positives as well: Baby Brendan's first words and steps, Amy finding out she was pregnant with twins and asking Ste to look after the kids for an indefinite amount of time (he'd accidentally forgotten to tell her Brendan had mysteriously risen from the dead), Kevin and Eileen's wedding and Brendan getting to finally getting to know his two sons. The Ste of now was completely different to the Ste of six, three or even two years ago.

'Are you okay Dad?' asked Leah, sliding into the chair next to him at the table.

Ste smiled at his daughter. 'Yeah, I think I am.' He answered honestly for the first time in years.

To the outside world Brendan Brady was still officially dead, but to Ste he was more alive than ever. He didn't need Coping Mechanisms to live or survive any more, he had his family, friends and Brendan.


End file.
